1929

The pavement beneath my feet feels springy. I walk with a bound in my step and a song in my heart. There is a song in my head too; the sort that comes from another successful day. A sunny successful day in a city full of people. Quite the miracle, when you think of it. Only yesterday it was despair and mirthless wondering about where the cash would come from. Now I just do not care. Who could?

He let me do it in the house, which is unusual for him. Normally it’s in, bargain and out, but this time he was feeling pleased with himself so he let me use it there. I was so happy for that I could have kissed him. I didn’t, but the point is that I could have done it if I had wanted to. That really is saying something. He’s hideous, really.

Someone looks up at me from within his dirty car and waves me across the road. An old man. Lost in thoughts. Dirty old car. Dirty old man, I should think.

I cannot help but smile as I cross in front of him, waving my head in a way that shows off the carefully dyed and disguised dark hair I am wearing today. I know, he knows and he knows I know we know and so on. Or I think he knows, anyway. The song in my head confirms this. He’ll never guess the mess that lies under my coat, nor just how easily pleased I can become by the smallest of gestures or the unbearable kindness of strangers. I make him happy for it, even though I know he just wants what he imagines my body to be like. Trouble is, I need it for myself to get from one day to the next. He isn’t going to help me. I can feel his eyes still on me. He’ll be coming round the corner soon, slowly moving up to the lights trying to catch a look at me again.

I’ll live.

The pavement beneath my feet feels springy. I walk with a bound in my step and a song in my heart. The drug is coldly running through my veins. It killed all my friends. It will kill me too one day.