1931

The old familiar ticking slows down and alarm grips my heart for the first time in my life.

Oh no. Not now. Not so soon.

I have things to do. Plans for tomorrow. For next week. For next year. For my children. For their children. For people I’ll never meet.

Not so soon. Not now.

So much left unfinished. No many ideas never carried out. So much time wasted. I promise that I’ll never waste another second. Not another second. Not one.

We have it all wrong. All wrong. This isn’t a gift we have. It’s all we are. All we are. Under all the bravado and noise and deeds and love and worry and piss and wind all we are is all we have is all we will ever be is something that carries us about on our hind legs like little meaningless units. Imaginary people in imaginary worlds. Nothingness. Less than that. But to ourselves, more than anything.

Oh please dear god no not now I never told so many people that I love them or that I cared for them or that they mattered to me or that I should thank them for what they did oh jesus protect me the fear oh dear god the fear protect me for I am but a frightened child and that pain is making it happen now oh please no not me do it to someone else but not me anyone not me no not those who matter to me anyone else someone somewhere must deserve this more than I ever will I may not always have been kind or just or fair or tolerant but I have always tried to be a good man a good man oh no sweet Evelyn why did I ever let you down like that when we could have been so happy together and all I ever did was make you doubt me oh dear god why did I ever do these things to us when all I could do was to make you understand that you were all that ever really mattered to me in my life oh sweet Evelyn forgive me and come back to me for these last few hours minutes seconds that I have left here and forgive me and say you love me again and never leave me until that blackness takes me away oh please forgive me you were the one my life’s love the only one that really mattered our life our love our home we know it we all know it we just cannot face the truth oh dear god I am so scared give me just another moment with you alone again like we were when we first knew each other that summer that life that love those days spent together another day another hour another moment with you together alone I never want I never I love I I love I I I love you I I I I I love you I I