1936
YES BECAUSE HE NEVER
DID A THING LIKE THAT BEFORE AS ASK To get his breakfast in bed with a couple
of eggs since the City arms
hotel when he used to be pretending to be laid up with a sick voice doing his
highness to make himself interesting to that old faggot Mrs
Riordan that he thought he had a great leg of and she never left us a farthing
all for masses for herself and her soul greatest miser ever was actually afraid
to lay out 4d for her methylated spirit telling me
all her ailments she had too much old chat in her about politics and
earthquakes and the end of the world let us have a bit of fun first God help
the world if all the women were her sort down on bathing-suits and lownecks of course nobody wanted her to wear I suppose she
was pious because no man would look at her twice I hope I'll never be like her
a wonder she didnt want us to cover our faces but she
was a welleducated woman certainly and her gabby talk
about Mr Riordan here and Mr
Riordan there I suppose he was glad to get shut of her and her dog smelling my
fur and always edging to get up under my petticoats especially then still I
like that in him polite to old women like that and waiters and beggars too hes not proud out of nothing but not always if ever he got
anything really serious the matter with him its much better for them go into a
hospital where everything is clean but I suppose Id have to dring
it into him for a month yes and then wed have a hospital nurse next thing on
the carpet have him staying there till they throw him out or a nun maybe like
the smutty photo he has shes as much a nun as Im not yes because theyre so weak
and puling when theyre sick they want a woman to get
well if his nose bleeds youd think it was O tragic
and that dyinglooking one off the south circular when
he sprained his foot at the choir party at the sugarloaf Mountain the day I
wore that dress Miss Stack bringing him flowers the worst old ones she could
find at the bottom of the basket anything at all to get into a mans bedroom
with her old maids voice trying to imagine he was dying on account of her to
never see thy face again though he looked more like a man with his beard a bit
grown in the bed father was the same besides I hate bandaging and dosing when
he cut his toe with the razor paring his corns afraid hed
get blood poisoning but if it was a thing I was sick then wed see what
attention only of course the woman hides it not to give all the trouble they do
yes he came somewhere Im sure by his appetite anyway
love its not or hed be off his feed thinking of her
so either it was one of those night women if it was down there he was really
and the hotel story he made up a pack of lies to hide it planning it Hynes kept
me who did I meet ah yes I met do you remember Menton
and who else who let me see that big babbyface I saw
him and he not long married flirting with a young girl at Pooles
Myriorama and turned my back on him when he slinked
out looking quite conscious what harm but he had the impudence to make up to me
one time well done to him mouth almighty and his boiled eyes of all the big stupoes I ever met and thats
called a solicitor only for I hate having a long wrangle in bed or else if its
not that its some little bitch or other he got in with somewhere or picked up
on the sly if they only knew him as well as I do yes because the day before
yesterday he was scribbling something a letter when I came into the front room
for the matches to show him Dignams death in the
paper as if something told me and he covered it up with the blottingpaper
pretending to be thinking about business so very probably that was it to
somebody who thinks she has a softy in him because all men get a bit like that
at his age especially getting on to forty he is now so as to wheedle any money
she can out of him no fool like an old fool and then the usual kissing my
bottom was to hide it not that I care two straws who he does it with or knew
before that way though Id like to find out so long as I dont
have the two of them under my nose all the time like that slut that Mary we had
in Ontario terrace padding out her false bottom to excite him bad enough to get
the smell of those painted women off him once or twice I had a suspicion by
getting him to come near me when I found the long hair on his coat without that
one when I went into the kitchen pretending he was drinking water I woman is
not enough for them it was all his fault of course ruining servants then
proposing that she could eat at our table on Christmas if you please O no thank
you not in my house stealing my potatoes and the oysters 2/6 per doz going out to see her aunt if you please common robbery
so it was but I was sure he had something on with that one it takes me to find
out a thing like that he said you have no proof it was her proof O yes her aunt
was very fond of oysters but I told her what I thought of her suggesting me to
go out to be alone with her I wouldnt lower myself to
spy on them the garters I found in her room the Friday she was out that was
enough for me a little bit too much I saw too that her face swelled up on her
with temper when I gave her her weeks notice better
do without them altogether do out the rooms myself quicker only for the damn
cooking and throwing out the dirt I gave it to him anyhow either she or me
leaves the house I couldnt even touch him if I
thought he was with a dirty barefaced liar and sloven
like that one denying it up to my face and singing about the place in the W C
too because she knew she was too well off yes because he couldnt
possibly do without it that long so he must do it somewhere and the last time
he came on my bottom when was it the night Boylan
gave my hand a great squeeze going along by the Tolka
in my hand there steals another I just pressed the back of his like that with
my thumb to squeeze back singing the young May Moon shes
beaming love because he has an idea about him and me hes
not such a fool he said Im dining out and going to
the Gaiety though Im not going to give him the
satisfaction in any case God knows hes change in a
way not to be always and ever wearing the same old hat unless] paid some nicelooking boy to do it since I cant do it myself a young
boy would like me Id confuse him a little alone with him if we were Id let him
see my garters the new ones and make him turn red looking at him seduce him I
know what boys feel with that down on their cheek doing that frigging drawing
out the thing by the hour question and answer would you do this that and the
other with the coalman yes with a bishop yes I would because I told him about
some Dean or Bishop was sitting beside me in the jews
Temples gardens when I was knitting that woollen
thing a stranger to Dublin what place was it and so on about the monuments and
he tired me out with statues encouraging him making him worse than he is who is
in your mind now tell me who are you thinking of who is it tell me his name who
tell me who the German Emperor is it yes imagine Im
him think of him can you feel him trying to make a whore of me what he never
will he ought to give it up now at this age of his life simply ruination for
any woman and no satisfaction in it pretending to like it till ( he comes and
then finish it off myself anyway and it makes your lips pale anyhow its done
now once and for all with all the talk of the world about it people make its
only the first time after that its just the ordinary do it and think no more
about it why cant you kiss a man without going and marrying him first you
sometimes love to wildly when you feel that way so nice all over you you cant help yourself I wish some man or other would take
me sometime when hes there and kiss me in his arms theres nothing like a kiss long and hot down to your soul
almost paralyses you then I hate that confession when I used to go to Father
Corrigan he touched me father and what harm if he did where and I said on the
canal bank like a fool but whereabouts on your person my child on the leg
behind high up was it yes rather high up was it where you sit down yes O Lord couldnt he say bottom right out and have done with it what
has that got to do with it and did you whatever way he put it I forget no
father and I always think of the real father what did he want to know for when
I already confessed it to God he had a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wouldnt mind feeling it neither would he Id say by the bullneck in his horsecollar I
wonder did he know me in the box I could see his face he couldnt
see mine of course hed never turn or let on still his
eyes were red when his father died theyre lost for a
woman of course must be terrible when a man cries let alone them Id like to be
embraced by one in his vestments and the smell of incense off him like the pope
besides theres no danger with a priest if youre married hes too careful
about himself then give something to H H the pope for
a penance I wonder was he satisfied with me one thing I didnt
like his slapping me behind going away so familiarly in the hall though I
laughed Im not a horse or an ass am I I suppose he was thinking of his father I wonder is he
awake thinking of me or dreaming am I in it who gave him that flower he said he
bought he smelt of some kind of drink not whisky or stout or perhaps the sweety kind of paste they stick their bills up with some
liquor Id like to sip those richlooking green and
yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink with the opera hats I tasted one
with my finger dipped out of that American that had the squirrel talking stamps
with father he had all he could do to keep himself from falling asleep after
the last time we took the port and potted meat it had a fine salty taste yes
because I felt lovely and tired myself and fell asleep as sound as a top the
moment I popped straight into bed till that thunder woke me up as if the world
was coming to an end God be merciful to us I thought the heavens were coming
down about us to punish when I blessed myself and said a Hail Mary like those
awful thunderbolts in Gibraltar and they come and tell you theres
no God what could you do if it was running and rushing about nothing only make
an act of contrition the candle I lit that evening in Whitefriars
street chapel for the month of May see it brought its luck though hed scoff if he heard because he never goes to church mass
or meeting he says your soul you have no soul inside only grey matter because
he doesnt know what it is to have one yes when I lit
the lamp yes because he must have come 3 or 4 times with that tremendous big
red brute of a thing he has I thought the vein or whatever the dickens they
call it was going to burst though his nose is not so big after I took off all
my things with the blinds down after my hours dressing and perfuming and
combing it like iron or some kind of a thick crowbar standing all the time he
must have eaten oysters I think a few dozen he was in great singing voice no I
never in all my life felt anyone had one the size of that to make you feel full
up he must have eaten a whole sheep after whats the
idea making us like that with a big hole in the middle of us like a Stallion
driving it up into you because thats all they want
out of you with that determined vicious look in his eye I had to halfshut my eyes still he hasnt
such a tremendous amount of spunk in him when I made him pull it out and do it
on me considering how big it is so much the better in case any of it wasnt washed out properly the last time I let him finish it
in me nice invention they made for women for him to get all the pleasure but if
someone gave them a touch of it themselves theyd know
what I went through with Milly nobody would believe
cutting her teeth too and Mina Purefoys husband give
us a swing out of your whiskers filling her up with a child or twins once a
year as regular as the clock always with a smell of children off her the one
they called budgers or something like a nigger with a
shock of hair on it Jesusjack the child is a black
the last time I was there a squad of them falling over one another and bawling
you couldnt hear your ear supposed to be healthy not
satisfied till they have us swollen out like elephants or I dont
know what supposing I risked having another not off him though still if he was
married I m sure hed have a fine strong child but I dont know Poldy has more spunk in
him yes thatd be awfully jolly I suppose it was
meeting Josie Powell and the funeral and thinking about me and Boylan set him off well he can think what he likes now if thatll do him any good I know they were spooning a bit when
I came on the scene he was dancing and sitting out with her the night of
Georgina Simpsons housewarming and then he wanted to
ram it down my neck on account of not liking to see her a wallflower that was
why we had the standup row over politics he began it not me when he said about
Our Lord being a carpenter at last he made me cry of course a woman is so
sensitive about everything I was fuming with myself after for giving in only
for I knew he was gone on me and the first socialist he said He was he annoyed
me so much I couldnt put him into a temper still he
knows a lot of mixed up things especially about the body and the insides I
often wanted to study up that myself what we have inside us in that family
physician I could always hear his voice talking when the room was crowded and
watch him after that I pretended I had on a coolness with her over him because
he used to be a bit on the jealous side whenever he asked who are you going to
and I aid over to Floey and he made me the present of
lord Byrons poems and the three pairs of gloves so
that finished that I could quite easily get him to make it up any time I know
how Id even supposing he got in with her again and was going out to see her
somewhere Id know if he refused to eat the onions I know plenty of ways ask him
to tuck down the collar of my blouse or touch him with my veil and gloves on
going out 1 kiss then would send them all spinning however alright well seen
then let him go to her she of course would only be too delighted to pretend shes mad in love with him that I wouldnt
so much mind Id just go to her and ask her do you love him and look her square
in the eyes she couldnt fool me but he might imagine
he was and make a declaration with his plabbery kind
of a manner to her like he did to me though I had the devils own job to get it
out of him though I liked him for that it showed he could hold in and wasnt to be got for the asking he was on the pop of asking
me too the night in the kitchen I was rolling the potato cake theres something I want to say to you only for I put him
off letting on I was in a temper with my hands and arms full of pasty flour in
any case I let out too much the night before talking of dreams so I didnt want to let him know more than was good for him she
used to be always embracing me Josie whenever he was there meaning him of
course glauming me over and when I said I washed up
and down as far as possible asking me did you wash possible the women are
always egging on to that putting it on thick when hes
there they know by his sly eye blinking a bit putting on the indifferent when
they come out with something the kind he is what spoils him I dont wonder in the least because he was very handsome at
that time trying to look like lord Byron I said I liked though he was too
beautiful for a man and he was a little before we got engaged afterwards though
she didnt like it so much the day I was in fits of
laughing with the giggles I couldnt stop about all my
hairpins falling one after another with the mass of hair I had youre always in great humour she said yes because it grigged her because she knew what it meant because I used
to tell her a good bit of what went on between us not all but just enough to
make her mouth water but that wasnt my fault she didnt darken the door much after we were married I wonder
what shes got like now after living with that dotty
husband of hers she had her face beginning to look drawn and run down the last
time I saw her she must have been just after a row with him because I saw on
the moment she was edging to draw down a conversation about husbands and talk
about him to run him down what was it she told me O yes that sometimes he used
to go to bed with his muddy boots on when the maggot takes him just imagine
having to get into bed with a thing like that that might murder you any moment
what a man well its not the one way everyone goes mad Poldy
anyway whatever he does always wipes his feet on the mat when he comes in wet
or shine and always blacks his own boots too and he always takes off his hat
when he comes up in the street like that and now hes
going about in his slippers to look for #10000 for a postcard up up O Sweetheart May wouldnt a
thing like that simply bore you stiff to extinction actually too stupid even to
take his boots off now what could you make of a man like that Id rather die 20
times over than marry another of their sex of course hed
never find another woman like me to put up with him the way I do know me come
sleep with me yes and he knows that too at the bottom of his heart take that Mrs Maybrick that poisoned her
husband for what I wonder in love with some other man yet it was found out on
her wasnt she the downright villain to go and do a
thing like that of course some men can be dreadfully aggravating drive you mad
and always the worst word in the world what do they ask us to marry them for if
were so bad as all that comes to yes because they cant get on without us white
Arsenic she put in his tea off flypaper wasnt it I
wonder why they call it that if I asked him hed say
its from the Greek leave us as wise as we were before she must have been madly
in love with the other fellow to run the chance of being hanged O she didnt care if that was her nature what could she do besides
theyre not brutes enough to go and hang a woman
surely are they