1938

I heard her sobbing from a shop entrance. It didn’t seem right that someone should be crying at this time of the evening at this time of the year in the middle of a hectic street in a busy city centre so I turned to the source of the sound and saw her slid down in the corner of the doorway, covered by a thin woolen plaid blanket, with a small paper coffee cup containing six small copper coins in front of her. I was fully dressed and found it cold. God knows how she must have felt. The wind here could strike you to the bone.

I was heading home to a nearby and nearly completely unoccupied flat that was both well-appointed and warm. I saw no reason why I should have these things and she should not, so I spoke to her, told her that I was sorry for her situation and asked if she had a bed for the night. She shook her head and told me that she had no idea what was going to happen to her in the next ten minutes, let alone have any plans or ideas about the remainder of that or any other night. Something about that situation just struck me as being plain wrong, so I asked her if she wanted a room of her own for the night in my apartment. She looked at me disbelievingly at first.

- You serious?

- Yes.

- How do you have a flat here at your age?

- I don’t. It’s my parents place. They are away for Christmas on holiday and left me here on my own. It’s big and warm and you’ll have your own room. There is plenty of food and I’ll be able to wash your clothes and let you have a bath, if you like.

- Why?

- I feel sorry for you. It’s just not right that a lassie your age should be left out in the cold on a night like this.

- It isn’t.

Her accent surprised me. It was neither coarse nor improper and suggested that she had been educated at some point in her life and that perhaps what I was seeing before me was a life in a terrible aberration which would fix itself up somehow later on.

She smiled at me and I helped her to her feet. Taking her covers, a small cardboard box and her copper coins we walked up the wide and busy roadway towards the street where I lived, mostly in a kind of strained silence. I wanted to tell her that the only proviso in this arrangement was that she mustn’t steal from us, but if she was a thief then she’d hardly admit it and if she were not then she might be offended and that would hardly be in keeping with what I was doing so I kept quiet on the subject. She told me her name was Elaine. I carried her box for her.

We reached the flat quickly and I let her in. I took her straight through to the room that we used as a spare, filled with books and with a bare bed in the corner. I put her box on the bed and told her to make herself at home. She sat on the corner, looking a little lost and smiled at me, thanking me for my kindness. I told her not to worry herself over that as I was only doing what I thought was right. I asked if she wanted to eat or have a bath. She opted for both and so I told her I’d draw the bath while I got one of my mum’s fleecy bathrobes and then I’d make her something to eat, if she’d like to choose something from the fridge.

I went through to my parents’ bedroom and fetched clean linen and the bathrobe, started to run the bath and then returned to the spare room to hand these things to her. I found her sitting on the bed still, but this time she was forlornly pulling at the thin layers of clothing she wore, seemingly undressing in front of me. At first I thought that, like me, she had enjoyed private education and was somehow immune to public displays of flesh, but then I realized she was undressing for me, showing the bare white skin of her thin arms and undernourished shoulders and neck.

- What’s this?

- It’s the only way I can pay you, she said. – It’s all I have.

I was appalled by her assumption that I had brought her back here only to sexually possess her, and even more appalled that she did this with such resigned ease that it was clear that it was something she had done before. Was I shocked by the observation that I was not the first to offer her this hospitality? Or was it that what she was offering me was a coin in common demand – a currency of which I was unaware?

I was nineteen. I was still a virgin and I fully admit that I was tempted. But I had been raised correctly. I could not let it happen like this. Besides, I didn’t find her actually attractive; she looked too underfed to be even vaguely appealing to me.

- No please. You don’t have to, Elaine. Please.

- I do. It’s all I have to give you.

She seemed deeply disappointed.

- No. Really. I didn’t bring you here for this. I brought you here because it’s cold and you looked sad and because I can help you. I didn’t bring you back here for…this.

- Oh…

- Yes. Really. Please get dressed. I’m running you a bath.

- Then I can’t stay with you.

- What are you saying?

- I’m saying that if you won’t let me do this then I can’t stay with you.

I was taken aback. I had no idea where this was heading now.

- I don’t understand.

- Stop the bath. I have to leave. Now.

- I don’t understand.

- I can’t take your charity.

- What?

- I can’t take your charity.

- I really don’t understand.

- My mum always told me never to take charity from anyone. If I can’t give you my body then I can’t give you anything and so I can’t take anything from you.

- That’s completely crazy.

- Maybe, but it’s the way I was raised.

- Well…I see. Is this how you always treat gifts from strangers?

- In what way?

- By turning them down.

- You’re turning me down. What’s the difference?

I opened my mouth to reply but then closed it right away because I had no retort to match that. She pulled her clothes back on and it was clear that she was discussing a done deal. I didn’t bother even trying to convince her.

- I’m sorry - I really didn’t mean anything by this.

- I know, she said, not without kindness in her voice. – But I can’t do this without giving you something in return. It just wouldn’t be the right way to behave.

I was at a loss.

- What will you do?

- Go back to where you found me. I’ll end up back there anyway.

- Then at least let me walk you back there.

- There’s really no need.

- No, it’s the right thing to do. At least let me do that much.

- You’re very strange and kind.

- Maybe, but it’s the way I was raised, I said.

She picked up her things and we left the flat together. Walking down the street she told me that she had been homeless for five months and had been in and out of hostels, spare rooms and settees for that time, sometimes even having to sleep on the streets. She explained that her mother had thrown her out for some complicated domestic reasons I didn’t fully understand, and that she was crying when we met because she was feeling sorry for a friend who had been beaten up earlier that night for his small collection of copper coins by some louts who were regulars in the area. She was nearly always cold, almost constantly hungry and lived in a state of perpetual apprehension. Her words made no sense to me as she was describing a lifestyle so far removed from mine that she may as well be describing life on the moon.

We reached her doorway.

- I don’t know how to say goodbye, Elaine.

- Just say ‘goodbye’ and pretend we never met.

- Please. There was nothing untoward in what I was doing. I was trying to be kind. I really was.

- I know. But it can’t work out.

I stood and stared at her briefly then held her in my arms for a while and found that I had started to cry. I don’t know why - pity, perhaps. It was the way I was raised. She joined me, maybe out of habit. We sat down together off the pavement in the doorway and I put her shawl round her shoulders and wept with her for a reason I still didn’t fully grasp. This went on for a minute until a passing stranger dropped some coins in our cup, then almost right away afterwards an intense young man walked up to Elaine suddenly and without speaking a word handed her twenty pounds before turning sharply and making off through the crowds. Elaine looked at me and I looked at her. Through our tear-streaked faces we both smiled at each other at her sudden good fortune.

- Whatever we’re doing, she said, - we’re doing it right.

- Seems so.

- Partners?

We sat in that cold and wet doorway and laughed.