1966

The rain is coming down hard on all of us, righteous and otherwise. It comes down at a steep and swift angle through the harsh slate-cold December skies and onto the colder pavement beneath feet of the late night shoppers and office workers out enjoying their festive parties. I try to ignore them all. There are thoughts in my head that I cannot allow to become distracted by that kind of trivia. I am a driven man and am being driven to the edge. I must maintain my focus. I must maintain my anger. The gun in my pocket offers little more than comfort as I close my finger round the trigger guard. It’s all going to be over in ten minutes.

Barely noticing the despairing cold around me I hear a sound in a closed shop doorway. In it are sitting two homeless people; a young man and a young woman, neither of whom look like they are even twenty years old. They are wrapped in blankets against the stiff wind and are hugging each other. A small cup with a few coins in it sits in front of them.

Both of them are crying.

I know this is no way for people to live; to have youth on your side but the fear of your own future as your worst enemy. Right then there seemed to be nothing worse in life than to be sitting, hopeless, helpless, cold and soaking wet, in a shop doorway in a busy street when surrounded by the trappings of a happiness that is always going to be too far away for you to see, never mind grasp.

I reach into my other pocket and pull out twenty pounds. I tap the girl on the shoulder and she looks up at me, red-eyed and surprised. I hand her the money to her immense shock and then turn on my heels before she has time to express her feelings. But it is the boy she is with who is the focus of my thoughts. How can he find himself a girlfriend in those conditions when I cannot? How? What is he – a potless loser - doing right that I am doing wrong?

My anger is refueled and returns more forcefully than ever. I put both hands into my pockets and head for the office where I used to work, where the party is no doubt in full flow and the dancing and flirting has begun.