1971

Last night we quarreled in the biggest way you could imagine. You were threatening divorce, that it was all over, how could I have done it, what was I thinking of, what would the children say, what would my parents say, how would my friends react, what would people think of you, what would your family think of me, what would your family think of you, what would we do with the house, what would we do with the money, how could I do this to you, what did I take you for, what sort of a fool you were, what sort of a fool I took you for, what a dirty liar I was, what a despicable shit I had been, what a vile hypocrite I was, what a deceitful life I had been leading, and what a waste of time the last fifteen years had been and that you wished you’d never seen me, that you wished I were dead and that we were dead in the water and that there was no going back ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

I took it all sitting down. Quarrel is too strong a word for it. I confessed and you hit me in the face with your venom. You’re smarter than me and can strike me when I’m down and without any defence. It went on for hours.

Afterwards we were exhausted. You finally said that you wanted to move out that night but we were both too far gone to think straight. I said I’d drive you there. You agreed. You packed your bag, we got into the car and I drove off. On the road you mentioned that you needed to get out for air. I let you out at Soran Point and watched you run off up the hill. Eventually I followed you up and stood next to you as the sun was going down over the crags opposite us.

We stood in silence and watched the enormity of the situation in front of us. We thought of the enormity of the situation that faced us. I reflected on the enormity of my guilt. I thought of the beauty of the creature beside me. We were faced with perspective as it pointed at us and accused me of being a willful destroyer of everything I cherished.

In fear I crept the few empty inches towards you and felt our shoulders touching. The feeling eclipsed all thoughts of the fridgeful of beer I had stashed to knock myself into a troubled unconsciousness that night.